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1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news .

My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that
dang gun...'

1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender." Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy." That little crap, O'Conner," says Sean, "He
couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."

1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and, of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his chest, that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim..
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what
year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us !
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

1,697 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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