Irish humor.....

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side...PG-13' started by BjornBee, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his
    Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my
    dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news .

    My husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

    Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that
    dang gun...'
     
  2. Charles

    Charles New Member

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  3. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
    like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
    in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.


    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
    bartender." Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
    Paddy." That little crap, O'Conner," says Sean, "He
    couldn't do that to you, he must have had
    something in his hand."

    " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
    " That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
    but useless in a fight."
     
  4. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
    is driving home from the city one night and, of
    course, his car is weaving violently all over the
    road.

    A cop pulls him over.
    " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
    been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
    drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
    quite a few to drink this evening."
    " I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
    and folding his arms across his chest, that a few
    intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
     
  5. Hobie

    Hobie New Member

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    Bjorn is showing definite signs of PA "it's-never-gonna-stop-snowing" fever! :D
     
  6. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
    to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always
    welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness
    brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
    and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim..
    "How did it happen, Tim?"
    " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
    Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.
    Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
     
  7. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one
    looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
    you, that you're from Ireland .

    The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
    The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?
    The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's , I am.'
    The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'
    The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I
    lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

    The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
    And what school did ya go to?'
    The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
    course.'
    The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what
    year did you graduate?'
    The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
    The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us !
    I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight.
    Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.

    About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a
    beer.

    Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and
    mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

    Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

    Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
     
  8. BjornBee

    BjornBee New Member

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    Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

    "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

    O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

    "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

    O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
     
  9. Charles

    Charles New Member

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    :rolling: :rotfl: :rolling: