The Colonoscopy...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side...PG-13' started by Intheswamp, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. Intheswamp

    Intheswamp New Member

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    ROFLMAO... For you who have experienced a colonoscopy, you will relate to this...for you who will be experiencing one in the future,...well, this guy has it pegged just about right!...in the end it's nothing really to it.(I can't believe I just said that!!!)<chuckle>
    ==================

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ...

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

    I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

    In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then,you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanserwith just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'. This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those h ospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    ABOUT THE WRITER

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

     
  2. Hog Wild

    Hog Wild New Member

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    Unfortunately I have been the recipient of numerous colonoscopies and the only thing he left out is the "greasy/noise filled" walk of shame out of the Dr's office! :eek: Everything else is dead on and don't think the pill form treats you any better; 38 pills later has you second guessing that decision!
     

  3. Intheswamp

    Intheswamp New Member

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    Haven't had the pill...just the moviprep. In my situation I have a 65 mile ride back home afterwards to enjoy that greasy feeling.<yuck> Something else, have I imagined it or do all the nurses and techs give you this odd smile as you walk out????

    Ed
     
  4. PerryBee

    PerryBee New Member

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    :lol: :rolling::rotfl:
    Got the T-shirt! :mrgreen:
     
  5. Intheswamp

    Intheswamp New Member

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    Perry, it does seem like they'd give you a sticker or something to where for the rest of the day....
     
  6. bamabww

    bamabww New Member

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    That's a very accurate description of what I experienced.
     
  7. reidi_tim

    reidi_tim New Member

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    I had my 1st one when I was 30 some twelve years ago, at the time the girl I was dating who is now my wife took me. After it was all over she said whatever they gave me was like a truth serum she could ask me all kinds of questions that I avoided before and I would answer them. Note to self was never take her with me again. The down side was that I failed the first exam miserably, three of the four polyps the removed were cancerous. So comes the 2nd lesson learned if you wait till your other half asks about the results say like 6 months later and you may have neglected to tell her about, she's gonna get really pissed. So I am rewarded with having this done every three years and I do not take the wife. Another lesson learned never ever put that stuff over ice to make it go down better it will drop your body temp really fast (not that I've tried it :wink: but have heard it from a good source). I would have to agree about the smile/smirk you get, got the same thing last month after having a few nerve blocks on my back.
     
  8. PerryBee

    PerryBee New Member

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    Clearly for me, it was long enough ago, that I can laugh my butt off reading this thread. It it was a more recent event for me I probably wouldn't find it quite so funny! :shock:
    Who would have thought a thread like this would bring back so many memories! :lol:
     
  9. Intheswamp

    Intheswamp New Member

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    It's been a few years ago for me, too, Perry...thankfully. Something else I recall...it seemed there were lots of husband/wife couples there...the husbands all seemed somewhat :-? while the wives were all kinda :queen:seeming and "in control". :wink:

    Ed
     
  10. blueblood

    blueblood New Member

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    I have pondered this issue a little since turning 40 earlier this year...I enter this side of 40 with some trepidation for sure. But, this article made me smile and feel a little better about it...
     
  11. Intheswamp

    Intheswamp New Member

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    Don't worry about the colonoscopy, it's easy...other than getting an IV hooked up and putting on a split-tail gown there's nothing to it. All ya gotta do is sleep and you'll sleep pretty good, too! I wouldn't mind getting a dose of that every now and then...*really* good sleeping!!!

    Mostly, it's the dreading it that works on folks.

    Now, having said that, the night before is an evening that you won't soon forget!!! Stay close to the bathroom and dare anybody with dire consequences that goes in there and stays longer than 30 seconds!

    I think we oughta put Movi-Prep in the US Senate and House's water supply...that'd get'em working and clean out a bunch of, er, uh,...stuff...in the process!!!!!! Clean the house, you might say. ;)

    Ed
     
  12. blueblood

    blueblood New Member

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    Ha! Oh Lord...I have also heard that gallon of chaulk crap liquid is nasty...
     
  13. efmesch

    efmesch Active Member

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    My wife and I attended a preparation session before we went in for the colonscopy. We were told that the preparation process is worse than the exam itself. How right they were!
    We went on different weeks so I could take her home and she could take me. After it was all over and I spent my due time in the recovery room, my wife walked me to the car and drove--I remember almost nothing of the trip, I was so zapped. All was well for both of us, but I'm not looking forward to the next one. Thank God, I've got a few years to go before the time comes around again. Maybe by then I'll have forgotten the preparation process. :mrgreen:
    Give me a few healthy stings instead.